I sit everyday for at least 10 minutes before I do anything of importance for the day. I take time to reflect on loves lost and what could be. I sometimes sit and laugh or cry depending on what memories I have of the little one that is now in heaven. I sit and wonder what he would be like, what he would be wearing, or what his favorite color would be. I sit and close my eyes and reflect on the time that he was in my life.
C.J. would be 14 years old. It is hard sometimes to read other blogs and everyone talks about their children. People ask do you have kids? Sometimes I say yes and other days I feel strong enough to say no and then I tell C.J.'s story. Usually people don't know what to say and they get embarrassed but I tell them not to. I am glad they had a listening ear.
C.J. was born with Atrial Septal Defect: ASD is a defect in the septum between the heart’s two upper chambers (atria). The septum is a wall that separates the heart’s left and right sides. Septal defects are sometimes called a “hole” in the heart. He had surgery to patch the hole in his heart but had many complications after surgery. He was on a daily dose of steroids, antibiotics, you name it he was on it. He was a very active boy and loved to run and jump and get into things he probably shouldn't have. His prognosis for the future were bleak. The patch didn't work and he left this world in my arms on the way to the hospital. There are many people who have or had this in their early stages of life. I have met many women who had the surgery in their teens and have nothing but good things to say. That is where it gets hard to talk about. That is where I say "Why my son?" A load of other stuff happened prior to the day he passed. But that is too hard to talk about. A lot of this I can't think about I get angry at the Dr.'s for passing him by. I feel that if only I was in a certain income bracket this would have never happened. I can't dwell on the past and that is why I make the Most of Life.
