Sunday, July 4, 2010

Noodles and my Noggin

I was going to surprise my partner at work and bring her mac and cheese from Noodles. I had been experiencing major dizziness prior to going but rested and felt fine enough to drive. ( I would never get behind the wheel if I knew something was wrong with me) I ordered the food and went to sit down and wait. I felt like my body was spinning out of control, I felt as if I was going to faint. I tried to reason with myself that you are going to be o.k. and this too shall pass. Lump in my throat I just wanted to run and hide. But I was frozen, couldn't move, didn't know where really to run to I just knew that I had to get the heck out of there.

I already paid for the meal and couldn't just abandon it. I stuck it out but really couldn't tell you how. I was sweating so terribly and I just wanted to scream.  It took about 20 minutes for them to complete my order due to they were short on staff. Why me? Why now? I am tired and just want to get to my destination. They called my name and I bolted with the food outside. As soon as I stepped into the muggy air everything vanished and I felt fine. I do believe for me there are after effects of a panic/anxiety attack for me I was still afraid to even drive. I just sat there and played everything back in my head. Which isn't a good thing to do when you are all alone. I can't reason with myself that well. I need to be able to bounce what I am feeling off someone who isn't going through this at the moment.

I know now that I should have grabbed my cell phone from home so I could at least called "A" and told her that I was coming but just experienced the most horrifying 20 minutes of my life. I should of and could of but didn't. So, it was up to me to get myself together and concentrate on driving. When I feel uncomfortable I always take the back roads so I can go 23 miles and hour and pull over if I need to. This time there were no back roads and so I ate my dinner in the car and waited. I got to "A's" work and felt so relieved I just decided to stay until 10pm. Throughout the night I had several "mini" attacks, dizziness, feelings of I am going to die. I didn't die but wanted to call 9-1-1 a lot. But know that that is a waste my time and theirs.

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